A Plea for Order
(Heather Wood -- 1986)
Please don't dismember your father,
And leave bits all over the shed,
He was a tidy man all of his life,
And should remain so when he's dead.
Gather him up in a garbage bag,
Remember the collection's at two,
Please leave the potting shed just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a patricide,
It doesn't mean that you can be untidy,
Make the world a nice place to live,
For others are following you.
Don't make a bonfire of Mother if
You live in a smoke-free zone.
You'll bring disgrace on the family
And lower the neighborhood's tone.
Just feed her into the furnace;
That way you'll save energy, too.
Please leave the garden just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a matricide. . .
Please do not poison your brother;
That might be hard to explain,
Just get him drunk on rye whiskey
And then shove him under a train.
One thing that you should remember is
To have him insured e'er you do.
Please leave Amtrak just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're a fratricide. . .
Don't have a cookout with Baby,
He's so small, he'll only serve six,
The steaks that you get will be paltry;
He's hardly got ribs or drumsticks.
You'll find that he'll go much further
Served up in a hearty ragout.
Please leave the dining room just as you found it,
For others are following you.
Just because you're an infanticide. . .
Please don't go slashing your jugular
And dripping all over the floor.
Don't cut your wrists at the bathroom sink
And cover the faucets with gore.
Just take