Somebody's checking in!

Oh there's no fire in the fireplace there's no carpet on the floor
Don't try to order dinner, there's no kitchen anymore
But if the road's been kind of bumpy and you need to rest a spell
Well, welcome home, to Happiness Hotel.

Say, how you guys fixin' to pay...

If you got luggage keep it handy but you're runnin' out of luck
Cause the bellhops ain't too organized and the elevator's stuck
So if you don't mind friendly animals and can learn to stand the smell
Well, welcome home, to the Happiness Hotel.

You know, I may be mistaken, but the bellhops look like rats...

Welcome home (welcome home),
Welcome home (welcome home),
No matter where you wander you will never do as well

Okay, the lobby's looking shabby and it's got the wrong address
And the whole dang thing has been condemned by American Express
Still the management is cheerful though the whole joint's gone to hell
Well, welcome home, to the Happiness Hotel.

You guys live here? (to the band)...

Oh, there are bugs (there are bugs)
And there are lice (there are lice)
Sure, we have our little problems, but you'll never beat the price
---insert key change here---
You got every kind of critter, you got every kind of pest,
But we treat 'em all as equals just like any other guest
Though you're here as any other, still as far as we can tell,
You'll fit right in at Happiness Hotel
We'll fit right in at Happiness Hotel
(Say cheese!)

(Sam the Eagle:) YOU ARE ALL... WEIRDOS!
ICKKK.